I love the fall. Cooler weather. Great Beers. Fun Oktoberfests (like Oktoberfest Tampa ). But I hate the election campaign process. Everyday the mailbox is stuffed with flyers from candidates. Yesterday there were 14 of them. And the automated phone calls are really starting to get on my nerves. Last night I was enjoying a nice Oktoberfest beer from Harpoon, when two calls came in within 10 minutes of each other. Damn politicians. So after I finished my beer (or maybe it was the second beer) I came up with a scoring plan. The results of these scores will be a factor in my decision on which of these corrupt clowns gets my vote. And yes, I think EVERY SINGLE POLITICIAN is a corrupt clown. By the way, I mean no disrespect for the hard working red nosed authentic clowns out there.
So here is the Beerliving voting guide. First, list all of the candidates on a piece of paper (or use some type of spreadsheet if you want). If you really want to have fun, write the names on a long piece of toilet paper. Now when you get home from work, crack open your favorite beer and sit down with that pile of junk mail. For every flyer you get from a specific candidate, give that moron a negative one. If you get two from the same candidate on the same day, they get a bonus subtraction for a score of negative three (minus two for each flyer, and the bonus minus one for taking up valuable mail resources). If they can’t figure out who and when they send things to, I don’t want their wasteful habits in my government. That takes care of the mailbox.
Now for the phone calls. The phone calls are such a nuisance. And who gave them the right to call me anyway ? So if you get an automated phone call from a candidate, they get a minus five. If the call comes during the weekend, it is a minus ten. And if it is during a football game, it is a minus fifteen. If you get a live person calling, then we go to a special bonus scoring system. Ask the caller for the candidates home phone number. Tell them that you want to possibly talk to the candidate about some important issues. But you want to make the call at a time that is more convenient. Yes the issues are probably beer related but that is irrevelant at this point. The caller will no doubt come up with some spiel that they don’t have the number or can’t give it away. If that is the case, the candidate just earned a minus twenty five. If for some reason you do get a number from the caller, the candidate will fall back to the automated call scoring system.. Whether you actually call the candidate or not is up to you. I usually have better things to do, like enjoy another beer.
Besides the phone calls and mailed flyers, there is also the hand delivered flyer. These can be found on your door knob, or maybe under the windshield wiper or somewhere else on your private property. I had one the other day that was folded under a rock on my front porch. I took that to mean the candidate actually did just come out from under a rock. But regardless , these invasions of personal space all score a minus twenty.
The candidates can score positive points by their position on certain issues, or maybe by their past record (although the past record usually just leads to more negative scoring). In the end, just choose the highest scoring one in each race.
Now back to the beer………………….